The Pink in the Pickle Jar
by Vanishing Roses
Summary: In which Count D releases a most dangerous demon upon the world. It's name? Jelly Cat. It's purpose? To torture, taunt and torment one eaten sofa at a time. OFCsOMCs inside, but fear not, they're not Mary SuesJerry Stues. Updated weekly as of Chapter 2.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Everyone in the PSoH universe does not belong to me.

Claimer: Everyone else belong to be and only me.

A/N: This story has changed a lot from its first incarnation from about two years back. Raven, OFC, is not a Mary Sue in the sense that she's not perfect, and no one has any romantic interest with her. Don't worry, I would never do that to you, and this is not a story about romance. It's a story about comedy and existentialism.

Dedication and Warning: This story is dedicated to Fwooshy (Rose Spirit) who, if it wasn't for her insistent beginning, this story would never have been written. That being the case, flamers aren't welcome. But, if you feel left out, and want to be written into the story as well, give me a cookie and you can.

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Raven, a girl of seventeen, rather average looking except for the tattoos on her arms, sat down on her couch, looking at the jar on her coffee table. It was a pickle jar with a pink moving substance inside. Raven sighed as she remembered what had happened just a few hours earlier.

She had been looking for a replacement for her goldfish, and so she went to Chinatown, looking for something unique. She came upon a rather strange pet shop and as soon as she set foot in, she was greeted by the greatly effeminate proprietor, 'D' as he so graciously introduced himself as and invited her for tea. She told him that she was looking a pet that was cute, playful, but didn't take up too much space.

D had thought for a moment, before he reached into the sleeve of his robes, bringing out a jar filled with what seemed to be pink ooze and held it in front of Raven.

Raven cocked her head a little as she looked at the jar that the pet shop keeper was offering her. "This…is a living animal? Isn't this kind of stuff illegal in this state? We have animal cruelty laws, you know."

D just laughed and shook his head. "No, don't be silly. If I let the cat on the carpet, it'll get all over the rug and it'll take me forever to get it out. Besides, soap is awfully painful to this poor kitten."

Raven still looked a little skeptical when suddenly a muffled 'mew' came from the jar and whatever the pink substance inside was shifted, and the rippled face of a cat was visible.

"Holy…fuggin…carp! That's a c-cat!" Raven said in surprise as she moved away as fast as she could.

The shop keeper laughed as he nodded. "Well, that is only what you asked for isn't it? Well, will that be cash or charge?"

Raven sighed as she looked at her 'pet' again. "This is so stupid…I can't believe that I bought some pink play-dough that talks. God, I'm going to go take a shower," Raven muttered tiredly as she got up, accidentally knocking the jar over, shattering it, its contents spilling and oozing on her wooden floor. Raven sighed again, frustrated.

She would have cleaned up the mess, but buyer's remorse was too strong and she wanted that shower. "Aw, you can wait. Not like you can go anywhere," Raven said as she grabbed her towel and headed to the shower, leaving her new 'cat' behind, mewing, with a strange glint in its sinking black eyes.

Little did Raven know that somewhere in china town, the proprietor of the Pet shop, D, was being questioned by a rather irate blond cop, who, strangely enough, was lounging on D's couch, having tea.

"Look, D, there have been reports of over six murders so far, and two things related these cases together!" the detective said triumphantly.

D simply smiled as he took a sip of his tea. "Oh, really? And what are they, Detective?"

Leon was smiling so brightly that his pleasure at having cornered that blasted Count D at last was hardly concealed. "They all bought a cat for this store that disappeared after the murder, and…there were smudges of pink all over the corpses!"

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Sai: Well, there you go Fwooshy, your JC. Hope you're happy. If the rest of you didn't like it, uh, that's alright. I wrote it for Fwooshy anyway.  



	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I don't own PSoH. Lord knows I wish I did. I'd be rolling in money, but alas I am merely rolling in my piles of yaoi manga, and that's about it. I do own Jelly Cat, the story of Jelly Cat as well as Raven. Fwoosh belongs to Rose Spirit, but I've kidnapped her and have given her a make over for my story! I love you Fwoosh!

**Author's Note: **I can not tell you how many times I've been meaning to continue this story, but with so much going on, I just didn't have the time. But, now, I do for a few days, anyway, since I'm so far ahead with everything! Jelly Cat's story was updated and there was much rejoicing! Considering the speed at which I'm going, the next chapter should up sometime between the next week and the next coming of Jesus. Have fun reading!

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**Chapter 2 **

Raven sighed softly as she let the warm water run across her skin, relaxing under the calming torrent. 'Man,' she thought to herself, 'I really got cheated at that pet shop…I don't know why, but I just couldn't refuse D's pet.' Shaking her head a little, Raven put some strawberry scented shampoo in her hair, trying to think of something to do with the cat.

A few minutes, and many thoughts, later, Raven turned off the water and leaned against the shower stall. "I guess…the only thing left to do is to return that thing, "she said in exasperation. While she was in her own thought, the sound of dripping filled the room. Drip, drip, drip.

Snapping out of her thoughts, Raven looked at the shower head and saw that it wasn't making the noise. Opening the shower door, she also observed that the sink was quite closed and not leaking at all. Figuring that it was just her imagination, Raven grabbed her towel and wrapped it around her body.

No sooner did she step out did her foot slip in a gooey substance on the floor, sending her head first into the sink counter, the collision giving her a mighty gash on her head. As Raven lay on the bathroom floor, the tiles soon becoming colored red as her blood pooled around her head, the goop she stepped in, chiffon pink in color, slowly began to inch over her unconscious body and into her living room.

**OoOoO**

"What ever do you mean by that, my dear detective?" Count D asked sounding a little offended as he took a sip of his tea.

"Oh, come off of it D! You know exactly what it is I'm talking about! You sold them all some kind of weird…oozing…pet…or something and it kill the poor bastards! You know you did it, so confess!" Leon said, bringing out his handcuffs with one hand, though he took another bite of cake with the other.

D smirked a little as he shook his head. "I really have no idea what it is you're talking about. Yes, I did sell them all an animal, but what makes you think that it was my pets that killed them? Tell me."

"Fine," Leon said in a grumpy voice, "The first one, a Ms. Pongini, was found dead in her bathroom, blood all over the place! When the police found her she had already died of blood loss, but the weird thing was that the entire room was covered in this pink…pink goop or what not. Tell me that isn't strange!"

"Well, detective, seeing as you're on the police force, why don't you tell me what it is they found about this strange substance," D said, putting another slice of cake on his plate as he reclined back, not looking worried in the least.

"That's just it! No one could get a sample of it. The pink stuff was only there for a few seconds, and then if slowly…evaporated…or something," Leon trailed off, his enthusiasm lost. Apparently, upon hearing the details of the case out loud, even he began to see that it was a little odd.

"Oh, really? Evaporated? How…odd," Count D said, his voice filled with amusement. "Was that all?"

"No…no, it wasn't, now that you bring it up. All of her furniture was also missing and it looked like there were acid burns on parts of the walls."

**OoOoO**

Groaning loudly, Raven slowly woke up, dragging herself up to her feet. Clutching the towel around her aching body tightly, she stepped out of the bathroom before her eyes widened and she screamed. Her living room was covered in a thick pink substance, smoke arising from it as it began to melt the furniture.

"What the hell is this stuff!" she screamed, inching away from it. Hearing a noise that made her blood run cold, she turned around and saw the goody warped face of a cat oozing down her wall.

"Me….e….ee…eoww…." the pink goop said in a gurgling voice. Raven's eyes widened as she felt faint. She was about to pass out again when she yelled at herself, "God damn it raven, don't close your eyes! This demon's made out of concentrated pink evil! Get your ass out of there, you punk!" With determination, Raven hopped from one piece of unconsumed furniture to another before she hopped out onto the fire escape and jumped down to the alley below, thanking God that she only lived on the second story and her downstairs neighbor was a crazy old lady that put pillows outside her window for stray animals to sleep on.

Getting up from the pillows, she realized that she was clothed in only a short bath towel and she also realized that her good friend Fwoosh was at the entrance to the alley looking like she was crazy.

Fwoosh was dressed in tight black pants and a loose, oriental style top; black with a silver dragon snaked around it and a long black coat. She looked at Raven incredulously with her piercing blue eyes before she sighed, taking her coat off and handing it to her life time friend. "Do I even want to ask?" Fwoosh said as Raven put the coat on and hugged her friend tightly, crying loudly from sheer fright as she thought about everything that had happened.

Fwoosh stood still for a moment before hugging Raven back. "Ok, ok…stop crying," she said gently before pulling raven away from her after a few moments and slapped her a few times," You're gonna ruin my shirt, ya pansy!"

"Oh, Fwoosh! I have the worst thing to tell you!" Raven said as she glanced back upstairs for a moment before taking Fwoosh's hand and running to her friend's apartment, now black and blue from her friend's cruel treatment. Fwoosh was a sadist and pyromaniac, but she was also the only person Raven trusted in the world. That would probably explain why she was clothed in nothing but a bath towel after jumping out from her fire escape only a few minutes ago from a sentient pink bubble gum cat from hell.

**OoOoO**

Back upstairs, the chiffon pink cat looked out from where Raven had daringly jumped out from the fire escape. Behind its black glassy eyes, an insidious plot was already brewing.

**-TBC-**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **And, once again, I don't own anything PSoH related, aside from my 10 volumes of manga and a D sock puppet I made. Fwoosh belongs to Rose Spirit and everyone else belongs to me.

**Author's Note: **Alright, I lied. I said that I'd have this chapter up a week after the second one but…well, I wrote them both in the same evening, because I'm just that good! There's some perversion, swearing and violence in this chapter, but it's all for fun and games, really. Fwoosh's boyfriend, Shuichi, is also introduced in this chapter. Rose Spirit has a cute obsession with Kurama from Yuu Yuu Hakusho, and I can't help but make strange references to it. I heart you Rose Spirit! The character of Mary Manette, for those unfamiliar with fan fiction terms and A Tale of Two Cities, is a cross between Mary Sue, a word meaning a perfect female character, and Lucie Manette, the Mary Sue of Charles Dickens' story. And…just to clarify the whole age difference, Raven's about 16-17 ish while Fwoosh and Shuichi are around 20. And, yes, I did make Fwoosh overly nuts…but only for comedy!

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**Chapter 3**

Raven didn't stop for anything as she and Fwoosh ran through the streets, Raven scared beyond her wits, and Fwoosh almost passed her patience. Even though she was horribly sadistic, when the two of them arrived at her sixth story apartment, Fwoosh gave Raven some Oolong tea to drink as well as some spare pajamas to wear. Putting an unlit cigarette in her mouth, she leaned against the wall and looked at Raven who was drinking her tea, concentrating.

"So…are ya gonna tell me what the hell happened or am I gonna have ta beat it out of ya?" Fwoosh said, giving Raven an impish grin.

Raven looked up at her friend as she sighed, "Normally, I'd love a chance to beat the crap out of you…but right now I have more important things to do…"

Fwoosh glared at her friend as she lost the shred of patience she had left. "What'd ya say, you punk!" she screamed, practically pouncing on Raven as the two of them fought tooth and nail. Though their relationship seemed vicious and deranged, to the two of them, they were just bonding, no matter how much hair was pulled out or skin was cut.

Suddenly, the door to Fwoosh's apartment slammed open, the most gorgeous woman in the entire galaxy standing in her door way, her golden hair cascading down her perfect figure in her designer clothing. "Oh, Fwoosh! I've brought you some fresh made cookies…oh dear!" she exclaimed, covering her eyes as she saw Raven and Fwoosh, tangled on the ground, their clothing and hair so ruffled that it seemed like they might have been doing something a little less than decent. "I'm ever so sorry to walk in. That was horrid of me. Don't worry, my dear, dear, Fwoosh, I'll never tell your Shuichi about this…little torrid love affair! You're secret is safe with me!" she exclaimed, crying into her handkerchief.

As soon as her unwanted guest finished speaking, Fwoosh stood up and looked at the woman angrily. "Now you listen here, Mary, we were just rough housing. Nothing else, you got it?" Mary, that angel of a woman, nodded. Fwoosh sighed as she moved away to make some more tea since it seemed like Mary would be staying.

Raven had just gotten up and was brushing her self off. Mary just looked her over for a moment with her gorgeous and perfect blue eyes. "My…you don't really seem like Fwoosh's type…you're a bit short…and your hair is nothing to brag about…and you're pretty common…flat as a board too," she said gently with a sweet smile, almost able to hide the wicked glint in her perfect eyes. Raven's eye twitched a little before she advanced on Mary, grinning as she cupped her chin gently. "Aw, don't worry…I would never do anything with Fwoosh. You're a lot more my type…" Almost as soon as she said that, Mary blushed a shade of tomato red and she ran out at full speed, leaving the cookies on the ground.

Fwoosh couldn't help but chuckle as she tossed her friend an ice cream from the freezer. "Really…must you always do that to people you've just met. It scares them," Fwoosh said as she sat down and sipped at her soda before putting another cigarette into her mouth since her last one got broken while they were wrestling.

Raven chuckled evilly as she sat on the couch, licking at her ice cream. "Actually, yes Fwoosh, I must. I remember when I did the same thing with you. I was in traction for the rest of that summer thanks to you. But…who the hell was that anyway?"

Fwoosh shook her head as she sighed. "Mary Manette. I swear to you that girl is so perfect is makes me sick. She has a perfect body, she plays every sport known to man, she has a 200 IQ, she graduated high school at the age of ten with a 10.00 GPA, she has three PhDs right now, she works in an orphanage, she donates to charity, she a vegan, she's an environmentalist and she's supporting of everyone no matter what."

"What a bitch," Raven said, nodding understandingly in agreement.

"You bet she is. She's had everything she's ever wanted. Well…except one thing. Shuichi," Fwoosh said as she sighed with a smile on her face.

Raven's eyes widened. She was unable to believe that Perfection herself was unable to enchant Fwoosh's boyfriend. Just as she was thinking that, Shuichi walked into the apartment, a bouquet of red roses in his arms. Kissing Fwoosh's cheek gently, he smiled and greeted Raven in a gentle voice before going to put the flowers in a vase. Shuichi was very sweet and kind, his long red hair tied back at the base of his neck, his eyes a gentle shade of green. Though he was very intelligent and could have been a doctor or something like that if he wanted to be, he had opened up a nursery and greenery down the street, spending his time easily since he'd already graduated from school.

Fwoosh, almost contradicting to her normal sadistic personality, smiled at Shuichi lovingly as she gave him something to eat, the three of them chatting for a few minutes before Shuichi took the grocery list down to the shop to pick the things that they needed for the apartment. "Good bye you two, take care. And, Raven, feel free to stay here as long as you'd like," he said gently, leaving the apartment.

"Wow…I guess you must be better than Mary if you're here, practically married to the one person that rejected her!" Raven said, cracking up with laughter. The two friends chatted and laughed, spending good, quality time with each other, until suddenly a large pink ball came crashing through the balcony.

"What…the hell is that?" Fwoosh said as she went over to the bowling ball sized pink mass. Raven's eyes widened as she looked at the ball with a strange feeling of recognition.

**OoOoOoOo**

D grinned a little as he nodded for a moment. "Of, well, that's certainly strange, now isn't it? But, were all of the cases like that?"

Leon looked at D for a moment with a glare, not liking how D was always one step ahead of him. "No, actually. In the case of Peter Black, there was a large explosion of pink…substance in his house. Again, the pink stuff was only there for a second of so by the time the police got there…"

**OoOoOoOo**

"Fwoosh! Get away from that thing!" Raven screamed just as the pink ball detonated and sent both girls flying. Luckily Raven had been dropping when the ball exploded so she wasn't knocked unconscious. Fwoosh, however, was lying next to a smashed wall, blood everywhere. There were bits and pieces of pink everywhere and for a moment all was still before the mass began to move back into a large mass of chiffon pink, inching its way towards Fwoosh's body.

Wanting to save her friend from danger, Raven stood up and tossed a vase at the goop. "Hey! Hey! Over here! Come on! Follow me!" she said once she had its attention. Running out of the apartment once the mass gave chase, she ran straight out of the apartment complex, a huge wave of pink gunk following her. Suddenly, it towered and went over her, blocking Raven's path, trapping her in the alley next to Fwoosh's apartment.

Whimpering in fear, Raven back up into the alley, the monster in front over her towering a good five feet above her now. 'That's it…it's the end…I'm going to die…,' she thought to herself, not seeing any way she'd make it out of this.

The monster meowed at her angrily and was about to crash down on Raven when suddenly a voice rung out. "Hey! Up here, your arse!" Fwoosh, blood flowing from her small cuts and gashes, her cigarette bent and crushed, leaped out of her sixth story apartment like it was nothing, with a rather large flame thrower in her arms. Hoisting it up on her shoulder she grinned wickedly and pointed it up to the Satan cat's 'head' and fired a huge burst of flames straight into the goop. With a loud, ear splitting scream, the wave of pink evil leapt into the air and disappeared in various directions.

Raven sniffled softly as she looked up at Fwoosh, her custom build flame thrower out of fuel and resting on Fwoosh's shoulder, looking up at her savior. "Fwoosh…you saved me!" she said, smiling brightly as she went to hug her friend before getting pushed aside.

"What the hell was that! How am I gonna explain this to my Shu-kun when he comes back home, God dammit! 'You see dear, evil processed bubble gun exploded all over the place. Don't be mad.' That's it…whatever that thing is, its dead…I just need some more fuel for my Mr. Crispy 5000…" she said with a feral grin, chuckling wickedly before laughing loudly, children in the apartment building around them crying from hearing such an evil noise.

Raven shivered a little. She was starting to think that the people in her life were a little crazy.

**OoOoOoOo**

"Oh….that stupid Raven!" Mary sobbed into her handkerchief as she sat on the park bench, looking over at the ocean. "She made me make an idiot of myself in front of Shuichi's g-g-g-ir…girl…oh, I can't even bear to say it!" she said, sobbing louder. Her pity party was suddenly interrupted when there was a large plopping sound next to her. Looking over, sniffling, she saw a puddle of pink with a cat's face in it. "Aw…aren't you just the cutest kitty in the whole wide world!"

The cat's face in the goop began to purr as it inched closer to Mary, its plans becoming even more thought out and intricate. Mary smiled as she gently poked at puddle, 'petting' it, unknowingly about to become an accomplice in a plot to take over the world.

_**-TBC-**_

_**NOTE: **_As it says in the summery, yes, this story will be updated at least once a week. Since this chapter is being put up so early in the week, please don't whine for more until some time next week. If I don't update by next early next week then feel free to e-mail me or IM me on AIM ( fearlololoki) and poke me to update. Chances are the chapter will just be sitting in my hard drive waiting for me to correct it and then eventually get around to posting it on the site.

_**In The Next Chapter**_...More of Raven's friends come to the rescue! Mary becomes the demon's secretary and gets a tour of the 'headquarters'! Head locks, head shots and gay bars! Oh me, oh my! That and much more in the next installment of _The Pink in the Pickle Jar_! Look for it!


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